Three Things A Bride Should Never Do

I once went to a wedding where the bride was so drunk she heckled the groom.
A decade on, it tops my list of things no bride should do.

Time has not healed and it's still a forbidden topic of conversation, the bride maintaining that she was on antibiotics which sent her loopy.
Then there's the groom whose wedding I attended a few years ago.
He didn't make the first dance on account of being drunk as a skunk and asleep in the honeymoon suite of the hotel.
Thankfully he recovered for the disco but it is something of which we dare not speak.
Drunkenness - that's top of the not-to-do's.
I'm told you are so busy speaking to guests, you don't have the time but more so the inclination - seriously, how mortifying to be - as they say on Geordie Shore - mortal on your Big Day.
Never be the most drunk person at a wedding (second is ok) is a rule I've lived by rather successfully.
Apart from the time my friend, the presenter Dominik Diamond got married.
I'm blushing here at the painful memory of being helped up from a spectacular crash which brought a table down - thanks to our mutual pal, writer Rikki Brown for his assistance - try his blog here.)
Imagine being the top offender when you're the virginal bride.
A few glasses of bubbly during the day and wind-down drinks afterwards, reliving the details with your new husband - that's the plan.
Another thing I have decided not to do is make a speech.
I was all for it at first - for surely a modern woman should have her say.

Then I thought about it and realised I would only be repeating the thanks given by the best man, groom and - in my case - mother of the bride.
Is there not something floaty, mystical and pure about a bride on her wedding day?
An image that needs not be shattered by her weeping as she recounts how much her parents nurtured her, or complimenting the bridesmaids for the third time.
It's not an affront to feminists - for I am one of their number, yet feel no need to shout about it - to consider brides should not make a speech; simply a realisation that too many people loving the sound of their own voice, is tiresome.
That said, who am I to say what's right for others?
I'm sure some brides hit the tone perfectly and there are even sites and articles like this one in Wedding Magazine dedicated to getting it right.
The worst combination has to be a drunk bride giving a speech. Mind you, if it's as funny as this youtube clip of Catherine Tate featured on her show, it might just be worth it.
Thirdly, I intend not to cut my wedding dress off - as a friend did.
She was so tired and keen to get the corseted restriction off her aching ribs, she lost patience with her husband's attempts to unfasten dozens of intricate lace buttons and took scissors to the very expensive gown instead.
So that's it - no getting drunk (though a few is obviously part of the fun), no speeches and no impatient shredding.
I'll let you know if I stick to my word.

Fear, Cakes and Wedding Porn

Firstly, sincere apologies for my silence. I find bloggers who start with energy and simper to a standstill a bit of a bore.
Like a writer avoiding the next novel (I'm doing that too) or teen swerving study, I've been putting off the organising of my wedding and blogging about it.
Fear is the thief of time.
But I'm back, the wedding is but a change of season away (April 27, 2012) and there's lots to tell.
After hours of deliberating over some finer details, I realised this:
I have never left a wedding with a piece of cake, a favour or memory of the flowers. Am I alone?
Granted, this could be partly to do with alcohol but I don't consider them very important.
Not so for many brides-to-be who give over a chunk of their budget to have the best and to be fair, I lost a a lot of daylight looking at amazing cakes on sites like weddingcakes and hitched.
I blame it on Wedding Porn as my friend Suzanne calls it - the magazines that ooze ideas and images of what you too could have. (Ooh, do you think I'll get lots of porn ads on my site now I've mentioned it?)
They're funny things, bridal mags. The window in which you can legitimately obsess over them is short - before the proposal is borderline bunny boiler and after the Big Day, redundant unless you've got No2 in mind. Again, this indicates a slight Loopy Lou.
And yet, the choice of titles in this genre is huge and the readership fairly buoyant, which could point towards many outside their window furtively sneaking them in the shopping trolley.
When my first plan to make a fortune to go towards the wedding failed (don't believe anyone who tells you blogging can net a fortune. Despite 2,000 hits in the first week, this site has brought in a grand total of £3.75 through Google Ad clicks) I decided to offer a wedding blog to a magazine - Brides, with the largest readership - at 275,000 an estimated 0.5 per cent of the adult population. Three emails on, the editor hasn't replied but then I'm sure she's very busy. Next stop is to email the fabulous Cosmo Brides and a couple more. And if that doesn't work, it's Plan C - my next novel had better be a bestseller.
I digress. I will have flowers and cake but is there anything so wrong with simplicity?
What does a Jimmy Choo cake say about the bride other than he should have signed a prenup and shouldn't expect deep chats about the works of Wilde.
And if your lasting memory of the day is the ten-tiered cake, it wasn't a very good day.
If simple means shaving off a few quid, all the more for the things I consider to matter more - nice wine instead of the church-tasting variety for which hotels charge like a bull (did I tell you we're doing it all from scratch - putting up a marquee and hiring everything from tables to catering in?) a decent band and good food.
That reminds me of another blog I must share soon - five things no bride should ever do.
I love your feedback so please keep your comments coming.
I'm off to sugar some almonds. Not really, obviously.