Wednesday, 28 December 2011

Three Things A Bride Should Never Do

I once went to a wedding where the bride was so drunk she heckled the groom.
A decade on, it tops my list of things no bride should do.
Time has not healed and it's still a forbidden topic of conversation, the bride maintaining that she was on antibiotics which sent her loopy.
Then there's the groom whose wedding I attended a few years ago.
He didn't make the first dance on account of being drunk as a skunk and asleep in the honeymoon suite of the hotel.
Thankfully he recovered for the disco but it is something of which we dare not speak.
Drunkenness - that's top of the not-to-do's.
I'm told you are so busy speaking to guests, you don't have the time but more so the inclination - seriously, how mortifying to be - as they say on Geordie Shore - mortal on your Big Day.
Never be the most drunk person at a wedding (second is ok) is a rule I've lived by rather successfully.
Apart from the time my friend, the presenter Dominik Diamond got married.
I'm blushing here at the painful memory of being helped up from a spectacular crash which brought a table down - thanks to our mutual pal, writer Rikki Brown for his assistance - try his blog here.)
Imagine being the top offender when you're the virginal bride.
A few glasses of bubbly during the day and wind-down drinks afterwards, reliving the details with your new husband - that's the plan.
Another thing I have decided not to do is make a speech.
I was all for it at first - for surely a modern woman should have her say.
Then I thought about it and realised I would only be repeating the thanks given by the best man, groom and - in my case - mother of the bride.
Is there not something floaty, mystical and pure about a bride on her wedding day?
An image that needs not be shattered by her weeping as she recounts how much her parents nurtured her, or complimenting the bridesmaids for the third time.
It's not an affront to feminists - for I am one of their number, yet feel no need to shout about it - to consider brides should not make a speech; simply a realisation that too many people loving the sound of their own voice, is tiresome.
That said, who am I to say what's right for others?
I'm sure some brides hit the tone perfectly and there are even sites and articles like this one in Wedding Magazine dedicated to getting it right.
The worst combination has to be a drunk bride giving a speech. Mind you, if it's as funny as this youtube clip of Catherine Tate featured on her show, it might just be worth it.
Thirdly, I intend not to cut my wedding dress off - as a friend did.
She was so tired and keen to get the corseted restriction off her aching ribs, she lost patience with her husband's attempts to unfasten dozens of intricate lace buttons and took scissors to the very expensive gown instead.
So that's it - no getting drunk (though a few is obviously part of the fun), no speeches and no impatient shredding.
I'll let you know if I stick to my word.


  1. Well Martel,you captured the mood here.Let the Bride, rise above the crowd, let the dress, the hair, smile ,body movement speak for you.Speeches can be tiresome, too much ego, and loud HA Ha laughs from people getting drunk.Best Man Father of the Bride,Groom if he wants to do it.The Beauty of the Bride is a certain Poise, style ,smile,and grace.You tick all boxes!

  2. Hear, hear Instant Karma. It's just that I know I'd be repeating what has been said and it would be a tad self-indulgent. In any case, it saves on stress. I'll just sip bubbly, smile and listen. As ever, you are too kind and I thank you. Happy New Year when it comes! X

  3. Always a pleasure Martel.Ebb and flow to your work, which in person ,on T.V shines through.Good luck and here is to a great 2012, for you and Jamie,both personally and professionally x